Upon a daily personal examination recently, I realized something. During my worst "why can't I be pretty, interesting, or otherwise good enough" pout sessions, I always know (however deeply buried that knowledge may be) that I am definitely loved as close to unconditionally as a human being can love by one man in my life: my dad. I'm amazed at this blessing now I think of it, and I don't think I even come close to understanding just how fortunate I am in this. To all my guy friends - should you ever have daughters, please do all you can to make sure they get the same from you.
And, if you don't mind my suggesting... start practicing on the women around you right now.
Thanks, Daddy.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Scared.
A little over 4 days left until the new year, and I'm thinking a lot about what I've done this year. I'm thinking even more over what I haven't done. There are lots of things I want to accomplish - perhaps not all in 2011, but I figure setting goals over a time frame of one year is a good place to start (I feel myself giving into the fad of setting new year's resolutions - my intent is for it to be more than a fad in my case).
It'd be great to post much more regularly on this blog. I'd love to be writing songs regularly, too. And recording them. It would be wonderful to be more than a mediocre guitar player. I really want to be an above average student - one who proves she actually wants to be in school by taking active interest in the required work. I want to give more of myself away in service of others. I want to make more than waste of the life God's given me.
As I think through all I'd like to be able to say I've done (or am actually doing) by this time one year from now, I also feel the heavy weight of impending failure. I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail. Thinking this fear through, I realize, at least partially, how silly it is. If I don't try, there is no other option besides failure, because I'll never get anything done. But still, I find myself in that weird place... paralyzed by fear of the hypothetical, putting so much energy into imagining how badly I'll mess up this time that I forget to just get up and DO something. Even pondering this phenomenon now is threatening to send me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-pity, and dangerous envy. Envy of those who have what I don't. Who "have it all together". Then I realize how wrong all of this is and proceed to kick myself even harder now I'm down. Ugh, the waste! Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of life. Waste of salvation. Remember what you've been celebrating and preaching to people the past month, Keji? Remember Christmas? You say with your mouth that God tearing Himself apart, walking the earth in human flesh while retaining omnipresence in some cataclysmic way - for the love of mankind - was a very real event, but do you live as if His love for you is that colossal? He did not give you a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. He takes no pleasure in your shrinking back.
So go. Each day, get up... and go. Go ahead and start now, you don't have to wait till January 1.
It'd be great to post much more regularly on this blog. I'd love to be writing songs regularly, too. And recording them. It would be wonderful to be more than a mediocre guitar player. I really want to be an above average student - one who proves she actually wants to be in school by taking active interest in the required work. I want to give more of myself away in service of others. I want to make more than waste of the life God's given me.
As I think through all I'd like to be able to say I've done (or am actually doing) by this time one year from now, I also feel the heavy weight of impending failure. I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail. Thinking this fear through, I realize, at least partially, how silly it is. If I don't try, there is no other option besides failure, because I'll never get anything done. But still, I find myself in that weird place... paralyzed by fear of the hypothetical, putting so much energy into imagining how badly I'll mess up this time that I forget to just get up and DO something. Even pondering this phenomenon now is threatening to send me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-pity, and dangerous envy. Envy of those who have what I don't. Who "have it all together". Then I realize how wrong all of this is and proceed to kick myself even harder now I'm down. Ugh, the waste! Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of life. Waste of salvation. Remember what you've been celebrating and preaching to people the past month, Keji? Remember Christmas? You say with your mouth that God tearing Himself apart, walking the earth in human flesh while retaining omnipresence in some cataclysmic way - for the love of mankind - was a very real event, but do you live as if His love for you is that colossal? He did not give you a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. He takes no pleasure in your shrinking back.
So go. Each day, get up... and go. Go ahead and start now, you don't have to wait till January 1.
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