The Swamp of Pride

So... you know when you receive a rather large complement and you swear that, because you know better and are continually warning yourself, you will simply be thankful and not let it go to your head? You know when you're in a moment where you feel yourself acting like... well... like an ass, but are incapable of pulling yourself out of that mire? You can only watch, out-of-body-experience-like, and wait for the feeling of shame to descend upon you minutes after you've finished being ridiculous? I got the chance to experience all of this again tonight (to clarify, I say "again" because it's happened several times).

A friend once told me some very nice things after we'd known each other through small church group gatherings for some time. He christened me with a nickname - "God's Jedi" - apparently because I had/have the habit of not saying a whole lot but making what I do say a good-sized bomb of profundity during conversations on spirituality. When he said this, I was very much taken aback and grateful, and I swore I wouldn't let that go to my head, as if I am the very reason for and source of the little bits of wisdom I sometimes come up with. Well, tonight, I got together with a group of wonderful women for some good conversation about who we are and to Whom we belong. We were all sharing our thoughts, and I, after deciding I'd waited in the wings long enough and it was now my time to speak forth greatness, shared some of my own. By the way, I love how after being complemented, we sometimes do the rather counter-intuitive and start trying really hard to be the thing we've just been told we already are. As much as I was telling myself, "Hey, relax. Take it easy. Just speak honestly here. No need to try to wow anyone; just say what's on your mind, and relax," I let the words leave my mouth, sat back, and waited to bask in the approving "hmm"s and nodding-heads. These didn't come, by the way. When I finally realized they wouldn't come, my foolish head was cleared of expectation and room was made for that descending shame. Honestly, though, I couldn't help but silently laugh at myself, even in my shame. This was yet another example from my hilarious Father in Heaven of how very imperfect I am. Friends, as long as you're in your skin, you've never "arrived". There is always more to learn. Keep your minds and hearts open to anything your Creator could possibly use to teach you. And in moments when you wake up and find you're stuck in a muddy swamp of arrogance and pride, remember you're still and always learning, laugh at yourself, and move on, hand-in-hand with the only One strong enough and sure enough to pull you from said swamp.

A Return

It's been so long since I last posted, and I apologize. The past six weeks have been very busy for me, but even more than that, I've been a bit intimidated and at a loss for meaningful things to say here. After mulling things over for a bit, I've decided to change the format of this blog. I won't say I was overly ambitious, but my ambition/enthusiasm sort of guided me to a strange place, as far as how I wrote is concerned. I'm no lecturer, and I haven't exactly previously written a tome on the subjects I want to address, so I don't have a whole lot of concrete stuff to draw from at the moment. Trying to figure out what to write every other day quickly became, as I mentioned earlier, intimidating. So! with that, I will officially switch to the more journaly type of blog update, telling about personal daily experiences and gleaning the profound from those =) I look forward to this. I'm sure I'll last quite a bit longer going in this direction.