Upon a daily personal examination recently, I realized something. During my worst "why can't I be pretty, interesting, or otherwise good enough" pout sessions, I always know (however deeply buried that knowledge may be) that I am definitely loved as close to unconditionally as a human being can love by one man in my life: my dad. I'm amazed at this blessing now I think of it, and I don't think I even come close to understanding just how fortunate I am in this. To all my guy friends - should you ever have daughters, please do all you can to make sure they get the same from you.
And, if you don't mind my suggesting... start practicing on the women around you right now.
Thanks, Daddy.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Scared.
A little over 4 days left until the new year, and I'm thinking a lot about what I've done this year. I'm thinking even more over what I haven't done. There are lots of things I want to accomplish - perhaps not all in 2011, but I figure setting goals over a time frame of one year is a good place to start (I feel myself giving into the fad of setting new year's resolutions - my intent is for it to be more than a fad in my case).
It'd be great to post much more regularly on this blog. I'd love to be writing songs regularly, too. And recording them. It would be wonderful to be more than a mediocre guitar player. I really want to be an above average student - one who proves she actually wants to be in school by taking active interest in the required work. I want to give more of myself away in service of others. I want to make more than waste of the life God's given me.
As I think through all I'd like to be able to say I've done (or am actually doing) by this time one year from now, I also feel the heavy weight of impending failure. I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail. Thinking this fear through, I realize, at least partially, how silly it is. If I don't try, there is no other option besides failure, because I'll never get anything done. But still, I find myself in that weird place... paralyzed by fear of the hypothetical, putting so much energy into imagining how badly I'll mess up this time that I forget to just get up and DO something. Even pondering this phenomenon now is threatening to send me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-pity, and dangerous envy. Envy of those who have what I don't. Who "have it all together". Then I realize how wrong all of this is and proceed to kick myself even harder now I'm down. Ugh, the waste! Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of life. Waste of salvation. Remember what you've been celebrating and preaching to people the past month, Keji? Remember Christmas? You say with your mouth that God tearing Himself apart, walking the earth in human flesh while retaining omnipresence in some cataclysmic way - for the love of mankind - was a very real event, but do you live as if His love for you is that colossal? He did not give you a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. He takes no pleasure in your shrinking back.
So go. Each day, get up... and go. Go ahead and start now, you don't have to wait till January 1.
It'd be great to post much more regularly on this blog. I'd love to be writing songs regularly, too. And recording them. It would be wonderful to be more than a mediocre guitar player. I really want to be an above average student - one who proves she actually wants to be in school by taking active interest in the required work. I want to give more of myself away in service of others. I want to make more than waste of the life God's given me.
As I think through all I'd like to be able to say I've done (or am actually doing) by this time one year from now, I also feel the heavy weight of impending failure. I'm afraid to try because I'm afraid to fail. Thinking this fear through, I realize, at least partially, how silly it is. If I don't try, there is no other option besides failure, because I'll never get anything done. But still, I find myself in that weird place... paralyzed by fear of the hypothetical, putting so much energy into imagining how badly I'll mess up this time that I forget to just get up and DO something. Even pondering this phenomenon now is threatening to send me into a spiral of self-doubt, self-pity, and dangerous envy. Envy of those who have what I don't. Who "have it all together". Then I realize how wrong all of this is and proceed to kick myself even harder now I'm down. Ugh, the waste! Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of life. Waste of salvation. Remember what you've been celebrating and preaching to people the past month, Keji? Remember Christmas? You say with your mouth that God tearing Himself apart, walking the earth in human flesh while retaining omnipresence in some cataclysmic way - for the love of mankind - was a very real event, but do you live as if His love for you is that colossal? He did not give you a spirit of timidity, but one of power, love, and self-discipline. He takes no pleasure in your shrinking back.
So go. Each day, get up... and go. Go ahead and start now, you don't have to wait till January 1.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Swamp of Pride
So... you know when you receive a rather large complement and you swear that, because you know better and are continually warning yourself, you will simply be thankful and not let it go to your head? You know when you're in a moment where you feel yourself acting like... well... like an ass, but are incapable of pulling yourself out of that mire? You can only watch, out-of-body-experience-like, and wait for the feeling of shame to descend upon you minutes after you've finished being ridiculous? I got the chance to experience all of this again tonight (to clarify, I say "again" because it's happened several times).
A friend once told me some very nice things after we'd known each other through small church group gatherings for some time. He christened me with a nickname - "God's Jedi" - apparently because I had/have the habit of not saying a whole lot but making what I do say a good-sized bomb of profundity during conversations on spirituality. When he said this, I was very much taken aback and grateful, and I swore I wouldn't let that go to my head, as if I am the very reason for and source of the little bits of wisdom I sometimes come up with. Well, tonight, I got together with a group of wonderful women for some good conversation about who we are and to Whom we belong. We were all sharing our thoughts, and I, after deciding I'd waited in the wings long enough and it was now my time to speak forth greatness, shared some of my own. By the way, I love how after being complemented, we sometimes do the rather counter-intuitive and start trying really hard to be the thing we've just been told we already are. As much as I was telling myself, "Hey, relax. Take it easy. Just speak honestly here. No need to try to wow anyone; just say what's on your mind, and relax," I let the words leave my mouth, sat back, and waited to bask in the approving "hmm"s and nodding-heads. These didn't come, by the way. When I finally realized they wouldn't come, my foolish head was cleared of expectation and room was made for that descending shame. Honestly, though, I couldn't help but silently laugh at myself, even in my shame. This was yet another example from my hilarious Father in Heaven of how very imperfect I am. Friends, as long as you're in your skin, you've never "arrived". There is always more to learn. Keep your minds and hearts open to anything your Creator could possibly use to teach you. And in moments when you wake up and find you're stuck in a muddy swamp of arrogance and pride, remember you're still and always learning, laugh at yourself, and move on, hand-in-hand with the only One strong enough and sure enough to pull you from said swamp.
A friend once told me some very nice things after we'd known each other through small church group gatherings for some time. He christened me with a nickname - "God's Jedi" - apparently because I had/have the habit of not saying a whole lot but making what I do say a good-sized bomb of profundity during conversations on spirituality. When he said this, I was very much taken aback and grateful, and I swore I wouldn't let that go to my head, as if I am the very reason for and source of the little bits of wisdom I sometimes come up with. Well, tonight, I got together with a group of wonderful women for some good conversation about who we are and to Whom we belong. We were all sharing our thoughts, and I, after deciding I'd waited in the wings long enough and it was now my time to speak forth greatness, shared some of my own. By the way, I love how after being complemented, we sometimes do the rather counter-intuitive and start trying really hard to be the thing we've just been told we already are. As much as I was telling myself, "Hey, relax. Take it easy. Just speak honestly here. No need to try to wow anyone; just say what's on your mind, and relax," I let the words leave my mouth, sat back, and waited to bask in the approving "hmm"s and nodding-heads. These didn't come, by the way. When I finally realized they wouldn't come, my foolish head was cleared of expectation and room was made for that descending shame. Honestly, though, I couldn't help but silently laugh at myself, even in my shame. This was yet another example from my hilarious Father in Heaven of how very imperfect I am. Friends, as long as you're in your skin, you've never "arrived". There is always more to learn. Keep your minds and hearts open to anything your Creator could possibly use to teach you. And in moments when you wake up and find you're stuck in a muddy swamp of arrogance and pride, remember you're still and always learning, laugh at yourself, and move on, hand-in-hand with the only One strong enough and sure enough to pull you from said swamp.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A Return
It's been so long since I last posted, and I apologize. The past six weeks have been very busy for me, but even more than that, I've been a bit intimidated and at a loss for meaningful things to say here. After mulling things over for a bit, I've decided to change the format of this blog. I won't say I was overly ambitious, but my ambition/enthusiasm sort of guided me to a strange place, as far as how I wrote is concerned. I'm no lecturer, and I haven't exactly previously written a tome on the subjects I want to address, so I don't have a whole lot of concrete stuff to draw from at the moment. Trying to figure out what to write every other day quickly became, as I mentioned earlier, intimidating. So! with that, I will officially switch to the more journaly type of blog update, telling about personal daily experiences and gleaning the profound from those =) I look forward to this. I'm sure I'll last quite a bit longer going in this direction.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Hephzibah
It's probably a good idea for me to explain what in the world the name of this blog means. "Hephzibah" is a Hebrew word for the phrase "my delight is in her". I've seen it used in several places, but my ultimate inspiration for choosing it as an identifier for this site is a segment from the Bible - the book Isaiah, specifically. The segment reads:
The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah (married); for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
If you read the entire 62nd chapter of Isaiah, where this segment is found, you'll notice from the context that the speaker is actually talking to and about an entire nation of people. However, I see parallels between the story of this people and the story of my own life (and the lives of others I know) that make me okay with using the word Hephzibah in the way I'm using it throughout this blog. The little nation has been through a lot. They've been conquered, exiled, enslaved. To any outsider - and, who am I kidding, to themselves - they didn't look fortunate or blessed or prosperous or however you'd want to say it. They looked deserted, haggard, and forsaken. Now, as ridiculous as this sounds, given that I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and living a relatively prosperous life in the worldly sense, I am naturally prone to feeling this same way under certain circumstances. I've been rejected and passed up by guys I've had major interest in, then felt deserted. I've watched them pursue women I thought were so much more vibrant/good-looking/put-together than I, and then felt absolutely haggard. I've had my heart broken to where I was sick, and felt forsaken not only by a man, but also by the God I claimed to love and desire above all else. It was in these dark moments, especially over the past couple of years, that I heard those words in Isaiah spoken so sweetly and personally to me the most.
Take another look at them. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God... The Lord will take delight in you... As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. My God - my Creator, the only one with the authority to dictate my worth - calls me a splendorous crown. He will and does rejoice over and celebrate me. What I look like, my "desirability factor", has nothing to do with His insane love or the blessings and good things He chooses to give. His delight is in me. His delight is in YOU. Your spirit, your essence. Nobody can take that away from us. We have got to open our eyes and hearts, and see.
That is what Hephzibah means.
The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah (married); for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
If you read the entire 62nd chapter of Isaiah, where this segment is found, you'll notice from the context that the speaker is actually talking to and about an entire nation of people. However, I see parallels between the story of this people and the story of my own life (and the lives of others I know) that make me okay with using the word Hephzibah in the way I'm using it throughout this blog. The little nation has been through a lot. They've been conquered, exiled, enslaved. To any outsider - and, who am I kidding, to themselves - they didn't look fortunate or blessed or prosperous or however you'd want to say it. They looked deserted, haggard, and forsaken. Now, as ridiculous as this sounds, given that I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and living a relatively prosperous life in the worldly sense, I am naturally prone to feeling this same way under certain circumstances. I've been rejected and passed up by guys I've had major interest in, then felt deserted. I've watched them pursue women I thought were so much more vibrant/good-looking/put-together than I, and then felt absolutely haggard. I've had my heart broken to where I was sick, and felt forsaken not only by a man, but also by the God I claimed to love and desire above all else. It was in these dark moments, especially over the past couple of years, that I heard those words in Isaiah spoken so sweetly and personally to me the most.
Take another look at them. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord's hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God... The Lord will take delight in you... As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. My God - my Creator, the only one with the authority to dictate my worth - calls me a splendorous crown. He will and does rejoice over and celebrate me. What I look like, my "desirability factor", has nothing to do with His insane love or the blessings and good things He chooses to give. His delight is in me. His delight is in YOU. Your spirit, your essence. Nobody can take that away from us. We have got to open our eyes and hearts, and see.
That is what Hephzibah means.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
You are beautiful.
My argument for the truth of this statement presupposes a couple of pretty big things. First: there exists a being infinitely greater than you and I. Second: you were created by said Being.
I have no idea where you stand on the question of whether or not a God exists, but I've got to tell you, I'm convinced we wouldn't be here, as we are, if there were no God. We're just too complex. I don't mean only physically, which we are, but I'm thinking mostly about the stuff we're made of that can't be seen - thoughts, emotions, memories. I think you and I were created as souls and given the bodies into which we were born. This is the beginning of our beauty.
We can choose to be ugly people who do ugly things, but when it comes down to what's at our base, the fact that we were made, with love, with our Creator's ID stamped on our souls, and given a marvelous array of emotions and characteristics, means that we are beautiful. I think it's sad that we've all been confused by our societies' ideals of physical beauty (whatever that is); many of us are confused into believing we are worth less than others when we don't meet those ideals.
I've often found myself secretly wishing to change certain things about myself, and all so "that certain guy I like would find me attractive and not move on to that pretty girl over there". How often have you thought, if only my hair were just a little less tightly curled, or my waist smaller, or my legs longer, or my face rounder, or my calves bigger, or my fingernails shapelier, or...? Stop. Enough. We're getting it all wrong. You're already a magnificent creature. Now claim it and stop allowing people and circumstances to make you believe you are anything less. It's silly. We're wasting time worrying about our beauty, something that is already settled, when we could be using that time cultivating and growing this natural beauty. And helping others hurting around us to do the same.
Please know that you are beautiful, and you are worth more than you could ever comprehend.
I have no idea where you stand on the question of whether or not a God exists, but I've got to tell you, I'm convinced we wouldn't be here, as we are, if there were no God. We're just too complex. I don't mean only physically, which we are, but I'm thinking mostly about the stuff we're made of that can't be seen - thoughts, emotions, memories. I think you and I were created as souls and given the bodies into which we were born. This is the beginning of our beauty.
We can choose to be ugly people who do ugly things, but when it comes down to what's at our base, the fact that we were made, with love, with our Creator's ID stamped on our souls, and given a marvelous array of emotions and characteristics, means that we are beautiful. I think it's sad that we've all been confused by our societies' ideals of physical beauty (whatever that is); many of us are confused into believing we are worth less than others when we don't meet those ideals.
I've often found myself secretly wishing to change certain things about myself, and all so "that certain guy I like would find me attractive and not move on to that pretty girl over there". How often have you thought, if only my hair were just a little less tightly curled, or my waist smaller, or my legs longer, or my face rounder, or my calves bigger, or my fingernails shapelier, or...? Stop. Enough. We're getting it all wrong. You're already a magnificent creature. Now claim it and stop allowing people and circumstances to make you believe you are anything less. It's silly. We're wasting time worrying about our beauty, something that is already settled, when we could be using that time cultivating and growing this natural beauty. And helping others hurting around us to do the same.
Please know that you are beautiful, and you are worth more than you could ever comprehend.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
An Introduction
Hi.
My name is Keji, and I am a woman. I am a woman who hasn't been through much difficulty compared with lots of women in this world, but I have been through a little. Most of my difficulties have led me through dark emotional places - places of ugliness, filled with lies. I know many - MANY - other woman who have been through the same dark places, who are still in those dark places, and who will be in those dark places at some point in their lives, and this blog is my attempt to shed some light on that dark, unveil the beauty beneath the ugliness, and kill off the lies with every bit of truth I can find.
In the spirit of truth and integrity, I'll start with some transparency: I've never done this before. This whole blogging thing. I'm not sure where to begin. So! I will begin with this simple-but-profound gem of truth I've found.
You are beautiful.
Once again: You. Are. Beautiful.
Yeah, you. This isn't just some cheesy, feel-good statement. I'm serious. The very fact that you exist is evidence of inherent beauty, all because you were created, and your Creator calls you beautiful. There's our starting point.
Just think about it for a while.
My name is Keji, and I am a woman. I am a woman who hasn't been through much difficulty compared with lots of women in this world, but I have been through a little. Most of my difficulties have led me through dark emotional places - places of ugliness, filled with lies. I know many - MANY - other woman who have been through the same dark places, who are still in those dark places, and who will be in those dark places at some point in their lives, and this blog is my attempt to shed some light on that dark, unveil the beauty beneath the ugliness, and kill off the lies with every bit of truth I can find.
In the spirit of truth and integrity, I'll start with some transparency: I've never done this before. This whole blogging thing. I'm not sure where to begin. So! I will begin with this simple-but-profound gem of truth I've found.
You are beautiful.
Once again: You. Are. Beautiful.
Yeah, you. This isn't just some cheesy, feel-good statement. I'm serious. The very fact that you exist is evidence of inherent beauty, all because you were created, and your Creator calls you beautiful. There's our starting point.
Just think about it for a while.
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